effective communication
Effective communication is key to building and maintaining healthy relationships, and while it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to all of us, the good news is effective communication skills can be learned and practised. Couples will almost inevitably experience conflict at some stage in their relationship, and effective communication can be used to not only resolve conflict, but it can also help build strong emotional bonds that reduce the instance of conflict occurring in the first place.
According to Sue Johnson, conflict in relationships is often driven by unmet emotional needs and a sense of disconnection from a partner. Couples who learn to identify and express their emotions in a constructive way are able to build a stronger bond and are more likely to behave towards each other in a way that allows them to feel heard and validated even if they don’t agree with each other’s perspectives. This, in turn, builds trust and resilience in the relationship, allows them to resolve conflict more effectively, and results in a more satisfying relationship.
Below are some tips to effectively communicate in your interpersonal relationships.
Know what you are trying to achieve
Begin the conversation knowing what it is you are trying to achieve, for example, resolving reoccurring conflict over one partner’s tendency to be late. Stay focused on the present issue and avoid reference to the past, especially past wounds, as this can derail the conversation quickly.
Practice active listening
Often when someone is speaking to us we are listening with the intention to respond, which can inhibit our ability to truly hear what the person is trying to convey. Active listening involves giving the person speaking your full attention, not interrupting, and, when they have finished, reflecting back what they have said to demonstrate your understanding or to clarify anything that was not clear. It is helpful to use attentive body language such as eye contact and turning your body towards your partner to show openness to hearing their message.
Choose the right time to talk
The timing of a serious conversation can affect the outcome significantly. If one of you is tired, stressed or distracted it is best to wait until a better time. Similarly, if a conversation becomes heated, it can be helpful to make a decision to pause the conversation to take some deep breaths and centre yourself, or if need be, to take a break from the conversation entirely. It is best to express you are aware the conversation is important and that you are simply taking a break so to enable more effective communication to take place.
Avoid blaming
Focus on your part in an issue, and your own feelings about it, to avoid power struggles and playing the blame game. Use ‘I’ words, not ‘You’ which sounds like an accusation. For example, instead of saying ‘You are always late’, say ‘I feel stressed when you are late and I would like to arrive at our appointment feeling calm’. Using ‘I’ statements is more likely to avoid a defensive response from your partner and encourage them to listen instead of tune out.
Avoid criticism and contempt
Criticism and contempt are two of the biggest relationship killers. When discussing an issue, remain respectful and focused on the issue or problematic behaviour rather than turn it into a personal attack on that your partner’s character, as this can lead to resentment and further damage the relationship. Mutual respect is critical to maintain a healthy relationship.
Don’t argue to be right
Often there are different and equally valid perspectives to an issue. Arguing to be right can result in the conversation going in circles without a resolution. Prioritise the health of the relationship and accept there is not always a clear-cut resolution, sometimes it is enough to air the issue and continue on, as may be all that is needed is for both parties to feel heard and validated.
Compromise
Try to focus on finding a solution that works for both parties.
Know when to take a break
It is important to monitor an argument for when it is getting out of hand. Gottman defines flooding in relationships as “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving conversation.” Recognise when emotions are escalating or flooding may be occurring and suggest taking a break, agreeing to come back to the discussion when both of you are feeling calmer and can focus on problem solving the issue.
Most importantly, remember that we are all human, be willing to accept each other as flawed and be willing to forgive.