Attachment Styles
Have you ever wondered why people can react so very differently to the same situation when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Why one person can laugh off a flippant comment where another might be quick to take offence and yet another literally shut down and walk away? Have you ever felt overly anxious when getting to know someone new and wondered why you can’t be more “laid back”? Or found yourself becoming a stage five clinger and wondered where on earth that came from? Psychologists believe that a lot of a person's relational behaviours can be explained by their attachment style.
Our attachment style is largely determined by our experiences with our close caregivers in the first few years of our life. Attachment theory helps explain how we connect, behave and emotionally respond in relationships, particularly in our closest relationships. There are four main types of attachment: secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. Each of these styles are summarised below.
Secure
Anxious
Fearful Avoidant
Dismissive Avoidant
Knowing your attachment style is like holding a map to your emotional world. Not only are each of these styles different, the way the different styles interact is also impacted. Insight into how each attachment type can show up in a relationship, and how each person may be affected by their partner’s style, creates an opportunity to minimise the typical sort of issues that attachment style combinations can create within a relationship, including issues with communication and responding to bids for connection.
Someone uncomfortable with attachment needs, for example, may become less sympathetic when a partner expresses their need for connection, showing less warmth and greater physical withdrawal. Compounding the problem of not having their needs met, this response can cause the partner to feel uncertain about themselves and the relationship, which can result in both partners becoming caught in a high intensity push-pull cycle. Understanding the person to have an avoidant attachment style, however, the couple are better equipped to work through the situation without personalising it, a problem that can trigger negative feelings such as lack of self-worth.
The partner is also in a better position to decide if they are going to be satisfied in a relationship with that type of attachment dynamic. This may hinge on whether the other person is willing to recognise and work on their own contribution to the relationship, because with time and effort, both people can contribute to the creation of a loving and fulfilling secure relationship, regardless of their early childhood experiences.
While the healthiest style of attachment is a secure style, self-awareness and commitment to personal development allows people with any style of attachment to learn to show up in a relationship in a secure way. There is a lot of literature available about attachment styles available if you want to delve into the area deeper on your own, or work with a qualified therapist to re-program your attachment style, responses and behaviours.
2025 Karen Anderson