Venus Empowered

Attachment Styles

Have you ever wondered why people can react so very differently to the same situation when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Why one person can laugh off a flippant comment where another might be quick to take offence and yet another literally shut down and walk away? Have you ever felt overly anxious when getting to know someone new and wondered why you can’t be more “laid back”? Or found yourself becoming a stage five clinger and wondered where on earth that came from? Psychologists believe that a lot of a person's relational behaviours can be explained by their attachment style.

Our attachment style is largely determined by our experiences with our close caregivers in the first few years of our life. Attachment theory helps explain how we connect, behave and emotionally respond in relationships, particularly in our closest relationships. There are four main types of attachment: secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. Each of these styles are summarised below.

Secure

  • Feels secure in relationships and comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
  • Are generally supportive, available and open when relating to other people, communicates needs openly and respectfully.
  • Had supportive, consistent and emotionally available parents in childhood and grew up feeling it is safe to be vulnerable and that their needs are worthy of being met.
  • Often have healthy boundaries that they are good at maintaining and can handle conflict without panic or withdrawal.

Anxious

  • Craves closeness and constant reassurance while fearing rejection and abandonment.
  • Feels a lack of self-worth and may feel clingy, jealous or anxious if a partner is distant.
  • Does not easily maintain healthy boundaries.
  • Can confuse compromise with sacrifice, often overcompensating and abandoning their own needs to maintain the relationship, which can build resentment.
  • Had parents that were inconsistent in their availability to the child, sometimes close and connected and sometimes unavailable or absent.
  • Anxious attachment can perpetuate unhealthy habits such as self-sabotage and result in failed relationships which can reinforce anxiety.

Fearful Avoidant

  • Struggles to trust and feels betrayal is constantly imminent while also craving love.
  • Is capable of showing up in a relationship as a loving partner but may also withdraw when feeling vulnerable, giving the appearance of running hot and cold.
  • Often feels unworthy, unsafe and that they are being taken advantage of.
  • Tend to overanalyse micro-expressions, body language and language of a partner, searching for evidence of betrayal.
  • Had parents that were highly inconsistent, capable of being emotionally supportive at infrequent times but also abusive at others.

Dismissive Avoidant

  • Will perpetuate a sense of defectiveness and uncertainty in relationships.
  • Often appears withdrawn and distant in their relationships.
  • Highly independent, craves freedom.
  • Becomes overwhelmed when relied on heavily and may retreat physically as a result.
  • Equates vulnerability with pain.
  • Had parents that were absent either physically or emotionally, leaving the child to learn that they can only depend on themselves and depending on others is unsafe.
  • Becomes distant and dismissive in relationships when the other seeks connection and intimacy.

Knowing your attachment style is like holding a map to your emotional world. Not only are each of these styles different, the way the different styles interact is also impacted. Insight into how each attachment type can show up in a relationship, and how each person may be affected by their partner’s style, creates an opportunity to minimise the typical sort of issues that attachment style combinations can create within a relationship, including issues with communication and responding to bids for connection.

Someone uncomfortable with attachment needs, for example, may become less sympathetic when a partner expresses their need for connection, showing less warmth and greater physical withdrawal. Compounding the problem of not having their needs met, this response can cause the partner to feel uncertain about themselves and the relationship, which can result in both partners becoming caught in a high intensity push-pull cycle. Understanding the person to have an avoidant attachment style, however, better equips the couple to work through the situation without personalising it, a problem that can trigger negative feelings such as lack of self-worth. 

The partner is also in a better position to decide if they are going to be satisfied in a relationship with that type of attachment dynamic. This may hinge on whether the other person is willing to recognise and work on their own contribution to the relationship, because with time and effort, both people can contribute to the creation of a loving and fulfilling secure relationship, regardless of their early childhood experiences.

While the healthiest style of attachment is a secure style, self-awareness and commitment to personal development allows people with any style of attachment to learn to show up in a relationship in a secure way. There is a lot of literature available about attachment styles if you want to delve into the area deeper on your own, or work with a qualified therapist to re-program your attachment style, responses and behaviours.

Click here to take the Attachment Style Quiz!


2025 Karen Anderson