Venus Empowered

bids for connection

A bid for connection is an attempt a person makes to get their partner’s attention. We often, consciously or unconsciously, make a bid for attention from our partner. It may be something verbal or non-verbal, and we may be seeking attention, affection or validation, but what is certain is that it is an attempt to connect, and the way the partner responds, is critical to the health of the relationship.

If the partner responds positively to the bid, the connection is strengthened, however, if they respond negatively or ignore the bid altogether, feelings of neglect and hurt can arise, contributing to distance and disconnection in the relationship. In her research, Dr. Sue Johnson describes the fundamental need for emotional responsiveness in relationships to develop deeper, more meaningful connections that foster a sense of security and wellbeing. Leading relationship researcher and expert, Dr. John Gottman, refers to these bids as a ‘Bid for connection”.

Johnson notes that bids for connection can often be subtle or unconscious, more like sending a message that asks, “Are you there for me?”, in an effort to maintain emotional closeness and satisfy the fundamental human need for a secure attachment to a dependable partner. We are wired to seek emotional closeness and safety in a relationship in a similar way to how we are wired to respond to a perceived threat with a flight, fight or freeze response. These are automatic impulses that emerge from the primitive part of our brain, whose function it is to ensure we satisfy our basic needs required for survival. How the partner responds to the bid can determine if the unconscious reply is felt as a ‘Yes” or a “No”, and therefore, determine the quality and security of the relationship.

The problem with these unconscious but critically important behaviours, is that they may go unnoticed by the more evolved and dominant parts of our brains, whose purpose is to consciously rationalise as opposed to unconsciously respond. We may not realise when we express our excitement about an upcoming event to our partner that we are not just communicating information we are inviting emotional validation and celebration which can create a sense of security and belonging. If the partner was to ignore the bid passively, for example, by not responding at all, it can lead to feelings of emotional disconnection. When a partner responds with a negative comment like “I hate the crowds at those things, do I really have to go”, it can lead to conflict and resentment.

Bids for connection and attachment styles

As discussed in the section on attachment styles, different people have different attachment styles and this can impact their bids for connection, and their responses to yours. Understanding your attachment style and that of your partner can help you navigate emotional closeness and intimacy in the relationship more effectively.

  • People with a secure attachment style tend to feel more comfortable with emotional closeness.
  • People with anxious tendencies tend to seek more reassurance or affection.
  • Avoidant types may prefer more space and independence and take longer to reach a place they feel safe being vulnerable in the relationship.

Types of bids for Connection

Below are some examples of different types of bids for connection that people commonly use to invite engagement, intimacy, or attention from a partner.

Verbal bids
  • “How did your meeting go today?”
  • “I liked the movie we watched last night.”
  • “I saw a place online that might be nice to hike sometime.”
Non-verbal bids
  • Sitting next to someone instead of across the room.
  • Catching and holding eye contact warmly for a moment.
  • Playfully teasing to spark interaction.
Non-verbal bids
  • A touch on the arm or back for reassurance.
  • Pausing an activity to really listen to what is being said.
  • Playfully teasing to spark interaction.

Responses to bids for connection

There are three ways a person might respond to a bid for connection, and each typically elicits a different emotional response.

  • Turning towards: Acknowledging or responding positively to the need for emotional connection.
  • Turning away: Ignoring the bid can lead to feelings of hurt or neglect.
  • Turning against: Responding negatively, dismissively, or with criticism can create feelings of disconnection and may lead to conflict.

It is worth noting that people who are anxiously attached can respond to feelings of disconnection by escalating attention seeking behaviour, whether positive or negative, instigating a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.

Bids for connection can be viewed as an attempt to meet an attachment need. Bids often occur in small, everyday moments, and it is the response to these small moments that can have a big impact on the relationship. Research shows couples who consistently respond to bids positively build a stronger, securely attached relationship that is more likely to survive the inevitable challenges that face all relationships over time.

Tips for responding to or making to bids for connection effectively include:

  • Notice when your partner makes a bid for connection no matter how small.
  • Make it a habit to practice actively listening to your partner and offering validation, which can encourage them to feel safe sharing and being vulnerable.
  • Respond enthusiastically and with empathy or warmth rather than indifference.
  • Make your own bids intentionally—even subtle ones can strengthen your relationship.
  • If you are caught in a negative cycle in the relationships where there has been tension, conflict or disconnection, try using a soft approach as opposed to blaming or demanding. For example, instead of saying “You never reassure me!” you can try “I need more reassurance from you at the moment, I’m feeling anxious”.
  • Try to notice and tune in to your partner’s emotional state and adjust your responses appropriately, for example, if they are excited, share their enthusiasm; if they are sad, offer comfort and space for them to feel that way.
  • Make an effort to understand the attachment style of your partner and adjust your expectations and behaviours to accommodate their level of comfort with emotional intimacy, for example, if your partner is an avoidant type, try not to overwhelm them with too much closeness too soon.

Remember that small, consistent emotional responses create lasting emotional security. By creating an environment in which emotional bonds are nurtured, mutual trust and intimacy are strengthened. If in doubt, check in with your partner to ask openly whether their needs are being met, and if necessary, what you could do differently. Don’t forget share your own needs too!

2025 Karen Anderson